Coping with losing someone
By SQNLDR Anthony Hawes, Padre, Base Auckland
The Air Force and the wider Defence Force are in the business of protecting and maintaining the security of New Zealand and supporting global defence operations. With this responsibility comes the reality of our personnel being placed in life-threatening situations. The Base Support Teams provide support for various matters that affect us and how we live and work. This article focuses on grief—how we can react when we suffer the loss of someone we care for and how to process those feelings.
When you have lost someone special, it may feel like life will never be the same again. Many things will be going through your mind.
Every memory of the special person may bring fresh floods of tears as you realise you will never see them at work again, or see them on Christmas day or get a phone call from them. It is difficult to predict what will spark these memories and thoughts. For some people it is hearing a particular piece of music or a phrase that they used a lot. For others it is their birthday or regular events they used to attend.
Feeling upset, numb, angry, helpless or hopeless are natural when you have lost someone special. It isn’t very helpful to berate yourself for feeling this way, or to tell yourself that you should “just pull yourself together”. It is hard to predict how long it will take you to feel that life will go on and that you can cope. For some people it is a fairly short time and for others it seems to take a lot longer.
Emotions of grief
There are different emotions we can feel when we lose someone. These can come singularly or in differing waves, and include:
- State of Shock
Dazed, temporarily numbing response to a tragic experience. We cannot or do not want to believe it has happened.
- Emotional Release
As they begin to accept the loss, they will express their grief through their feelings. The normal way is through crying.
- Sense of Isolation
We may feel depressed and very lonely, or that nobody else has ever experienced anything like this.
- Physical Symptoms
We may become exhausted, not sleep well, lose our appetite etc. If we don’t work through the grief in a healthy way, we may develop these physical symptoms of distress.
- Sense Of Guilt
A person may feel guilty that they could have done something to prevent the loss or may blame themselves for causing the loss. It is important to work through feelings of guilt by talking to someone about them and not hiding them.
- Panic
People find themselves becoming panicky because they can’t think of anything but the loss. They may ask “Am I losing my mind?” Sometimes grief will play tricks on our mind.
- Hostility
Here strong feelings are expressed, hostility, resentment. A person will look for someone to blame for the loss they have experienced.
- Difficulty in Returning
For some people it can be difficult for them to return to their usual activities. Grief takes time to work through, it is a process.
How do you get through grief emotions?
- Give yourself the space to grieve—don’t try and rush things along.
- Take care of yourself—see that you get enough sleep, exercise and food.
- Try not to make any big or sudden changes.
- Speak to other people—share memories.
- Spend time with others doing enjoyable things—at first you may not feel as if you are having much fun but, with time, things will become more of a pleasure again.
- Be prepared for a sudden ‘out of the blue’ reminder or sad feeling—it is a natural part of grieving and will pass.
One of the best grief analogies I know is; we are like an engine. When we have a loss there is an explosion inside (fuel exploding in a cylinder). Unless we have an exhaust pipe the poisonous fumes build up inside. The exhaust pipe is our mouth. As we talk, share memories, and express thoughts and feelings, the fumes are let out and the healing process can begin.
The good news is most of us will recover from grief. The darkness and sadness begins to break up. The light shines through and the world can be faced again. While we don’t become our old selves again—when a person goes through any significant grief experience, they will come out of it as a different person—we will readjust our lives to our new reality.
Advice for Care Givers
Do
- Remember that grief is long lasting and you are a vital part of the grieving person’s support system.
- Remember, a warm embrace or a squeeze of the hand conveys your sympathy. Words aren’t always necessary.
- Allow the grieving person to talk about the deceased loved one and listen non-judgmentally.
- Share a pleasant memory or words of admiration for the deceased.
- Acknowledge the loss with a call, card, or letter (letters can be read and reread). By writing a letter you are ‘offering handwritten hugs where human arms cannot reach’.
- Remember that usually the most difficult time is seven to nine months after the death.
- Simply say “ I’m sorry” or “Words fail me”
- Offer practical assistance.
Do Not
- Underestimate your role as caregiver.
- Say, “I know how you feel.” Each person’s grief is unique, and no one can totally understand another’s grief.
- Change the subject when the grieving person talks about his or her loved one.
- Avoid the grieving person because you don’t know what to say.
- Make statements or ask questions that induce quilt or affix blame. There is always some unfinished business and guilt associated with the death of a loved one.
- Be afraid of tears. Grieving people seldom forget those with whom they’ve shed tears.